Still going strong

Although I've only recently started this blog, the deployment has been well under way for a while. We are close to rounding the half-way point. So far, so good.

While Shawn is still struggling with the changes that came with the SOFA (Status of Forces Agreement) and finding this deployment to be far less exciting than he would prefer, I think that I've been doing better with this tour than with any before.

I've been staying fairly busy; with work, with the FRG, with keeping up the new place, with the horses, and with my own hobbies. I guess one of the things I still struggle with, though, is my own insecurities.

Some of you know that Shawn and I hit a rough patch a while back and separated for a time. After some time apart and some growing up, we both realized that we belong together and need each other.

Now and then, especially if it's been longer than normal between phone calls, I start to doubt myself. I begin to wonder if Shawn is still in love with me like he was before. I worry that he is rethinking my place in his life. I'm not absolutely sure where this anxiety is coming from, except that maybe there's a deep-seeded fear of abandonment. But that's a little too Freudian for me. Anyway, I start worrying and get myself all worked into a tizzy. And then I get this:

"You have been in my dreams a lot and on my mind always. Thoughts of you make me smile and I always know that I will make it another day with the motivation those thoughts bring with them. I am very happy and thankful that you are in my life and that you want to be there. Knowing that you love me for me and that I can share my whole life with you (good, bad, and ugly) makes me happy beyond anything I ever thought I would have. I am proud of you and proud that you are mine. Mine-mine-mine! I will not give you up for anything."

I'm pretty sure I can let go of those insecure thoughts now. I realized that Shawn might sometimes be feeling the same worries, wondering if I want to put up with yet another deployment or deal with all the issues that go along with being part of a military family. I can tell you (and him) this: I'm happy to be here and I ain't goin' nowhere!